Guide to Sexual Submission

BDSM is one of the most popular fantasies among adults. Over fifty percent of those polled said they would love to tie, or be tied up. With the explosion of erotic literature and hit movies highlighting sexual submission in recent years there’s been a huge swell of awareness and interest in trying it. Part of the BDSM acronym is the S for submission, but what does that mean or look like?

In basic terms it’s an exchange of power that occurs between submissive and dominant partners (we’ll keep it simple with a couple, but scenes could include multiple partners). The submissive is controlled by the dominant partner and does whatever they tell them to do.

This could involve orgasm control – either withholding permission to orgasm or overstimulating them into multiples, or ordering the submissive to perform tasks to earn a reward. Sometimes the only reward is to please the dominant partner.

The concept of sex can get pretty blurry in these types of arrangements and involve actions and ideas far beyond regular penetrative sex. It could also involve the submissive having to be obedient and performing non-sexual tasks, be subjected to humiliation or any other action that takes control away from the submissive totally and puts them at the mercy of the dominant.

Always Play Safe With Submission Safe Words and Signals

Because scenes that often play with loss of power may involve risk of injury, either mental or physical pain, it’s incredibly important to approach it carefully and in an educated and informed way. Someone grabbing you by the throat isn’t dominance, it’s abuse. Consent is critically important before starting any intimacy.

D/S scenes are generally negotiated beforehand among couples so both partners understand what is going to happen. This is especially important if the arrangement is relatively new and neither of you know the limits of the other.

In a sexual situation where the word ‘no’ and ‘stop’ or crying out is part of the experience there needs to be agreed upon methods to immediately stop the scene if things go too far. That can work in either direction, sometimes the dominant person wants to stop the scene.

Use safe words that are outside things you’d say normally during sex, using “red” for stop and “green” for keep going are common, but you can use anything you won’t forget under pressure.

If you’re going to be doing any kind of activity that will make speech difficult or impossible, such as gagging or having someone were a hood, make sure you have physical signals that can be given and recognized.

If someone uses a safe word or signal then all activity should stop, there should never be an exception. Even submissive brats – those submissives that intentionally misbehave so they get punished – should never use safe words as part of brat-play. A safe word or signal should be sacrosanct and never ignored.

It’s Easy To Find Consenting Adults For BDSM Play

Over half the adult population have some kind of BDSM fantasy, that means you’ve got a lot of company, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to discuss or bring up at polite dinner conversation.

Before the internet it was difficult to find like-minded people who were interested in exploring that side of themselves. With the ubiquity of the internet all that has changed. From the availability of fetish pornography on video websites to professional cam girls who will role-play for you in the comfort of their own homes to huge online communities and websites dedicated the social and community side of BDSM, it’s never been easier to scratch the itch or learn more about it.

Good communities will be respectful and recognize your boundaries, offering advice freely. Those website communities may also have a directory of live events, potlucks, play sessions and meet-ups that, if you decide to explore further, let you get involved in your local kink community.

You’re going to be very surprised when you learn how popular BDSM is and that there are plenty of opportunities offline and on to find like-minded people, make friends and consenting partners.

Are You A Dom, Sub or Switch?

Dom, Sub and Switch are terms for the role dynamic you want to play during sex and scenes. A Dom is the dominant personality, they will control the scene and what happens to the Sub. If you like tying up your partner, or get turned on thinking about spanking someone then you likely align with being a Dom.

A sub is the opposite, you’re probably thinking about how nice it would be to be spanked, or restrained or being made to feel powerless. A Switch, that’s somewhere in between. That can mean playing the opposite role for a partner with a fixed sense of their role, but it can also mean that scenes with a partner become fluid as you take turns being dominated and being dominant.

If you’re starting out in BDSM and this sounds like something to try, then remember to play safe and trust your partner. Negotiate your scenes beforehand and include limits on things like pain and restraint and what are you will not do – if you don’t like anal than take it off the table before the scene starts. Above all, have fun exploring your newfound kink.